All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
