I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
