I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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