I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
