3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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