"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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