i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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