I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
