Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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