I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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