Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
