smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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