i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
