just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
