I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
