Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
