Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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