when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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