Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
