Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
