I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
