So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
