I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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