My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am midnight drunk by noon
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
