I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
