Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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