took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have tasted many bathrooms
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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