I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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