lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
