Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
