At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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