mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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