My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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