She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
