My room smells like vodka and shame
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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