So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
