Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
