Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
