Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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