I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
