i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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