Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I touched a dick in church today
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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