weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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