can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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