Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
