the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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