Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
