I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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