Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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