I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
